Okay, you know how it goes, right? Burning bush, voices from the heavens, some guy sleeping with your wife and turning into a "shower of gold" - I hope they translated that right - you know, your stereotype deific visitation crap, right?
Not me. About six months ago, I get an ad on Craigslist:
MOODY LONER!! Game at your house Sunday afternoon. Eight players. We'll bring food and Dr. Pepper. Buy beer.
That was it. No return email or contact info or anything - and it was gone by the time I pointed it out to the Mrs., who swore it wasn't her messing with me.
"Probably somebody on Daily Kos," she said. "They know you're in the Bay Area, and you practically live on the damn computer."
So, I forgot about it - until I got an email that Friday:
To: <Moody's work email, which I will not divulge here>
CC: mjolnir@valhalla.net, redcrow@tuathadedanann.com, bhadrakali@Mahanirvana-tantra.net, pele@kilauea.com, sidg@enlightenment.net, bodocomp@enlightenment.net, goldenwings@endofall.com
From: jaycee@gmail.com
Re: Game Sunday.
Moody,
We know that Sunday noon's good for you. Leave the gate unlocked. Deuteronomy 28:1, man, and We have a lot to talk to you about.
We'll bring food and Dr. Pepper. We're all new players, so you'll have to teach Us.
Yes, this is the only way We could reach you.
PS: Not kidding about the beer.
"Christ Almighty." I said to my wife.
"Huh. You'd better get the beer," she replied.
Sunday came with the beer chilling in the cooler, and me going over my First Edition books. Whoever's coming to game, I thought, is going to play in my world.
So naturally the doorbell rings, and naturally that little nut Little Loner runs over and throws the door open, with a joy she usually reserves for the landlord checking up on us. And, it was him.
Wait, it was Him.
Bearded guy, little taller than I am, workboots, jeans, and "I Died for Your Sins and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt" on his shirt. Grinning like there was a huge joke and I hadn't gotten it yet. And a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper, of course.
"Bribe DM with Food," he said. "Hey, man, been a while."
"Come on in," I said and, thinking a minute, "I should have known You'd be first."
Mrs asked, "Where did that come from?"
"You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me, " I answered.
He snorted. "That's my father. Look, today's going to be weird for you, I know. Just, treat us like normal gamers. Well, as much as you can. Oh, and call me Joe."
Well, Joe and I got the table set up, and He was chatting with Mrs. and sipping at a Guinness when the others arrived. I don't know what was worse, opening the door to jet-black bare breasts, four arms, and a necklace of human skulls, or Thor picking me up and shaking me, laughing hugely - the man (well, you know) likes Sam Adams, I guess. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was on sale.
Once I had my new gaming group seated around the table, I went around to make sure I knew everyone's names while Mrs. tried to get the Little to settle. Not that they scared her, she was laughing and giggling and running around like usual, but I didn't want her laughing references to the state of my guests' dress to set off Kali or Pele.
"Okay," I said, summoning up my tact and social skills, "Joe I know. The big guy in the Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, with the beard, you're Thor?"
"Thor Odinssen," he rumbled in reply. "And it's warm here," he added after a moment's thought, gulping Sam Adams out of our Kool-Aid pitcher.
Fighter, I thought. "And the tall, naked, four-armed woman, you're Kali? Kali, would you and Pele terribly mind putting something on?"
Kali grinned through her fangs at me. "I can take many aspects, mortal man."
"Good, please take an aspect of someone not trying to get me divorced."
Pele said, "I hope you meant that as a compliment," as a small earthquake rattled the windows, but when I turned back they were dressed. Good. You know what a problem I have with the kiddie pool, having naked deities in the house...
The quiet, muscular Asian guy turned out to be Siddartha Gautama, and the shy Asian woman that I thought was his girlfriend turned out to be Kuan-yin. The red-haired Irish woman looked at me mockingly.
"You should know Me," she said, "you named your own daughter after Me."
"Good to meet you then, Morrigan," I responded. "Okay, the only one I don't know is the black cloud."
"Khaos," it replied, in a disturbingly feminine voice. "The End of All. The Omega. The..."
"I'll call you Kay, then,"I said offhandedly, in a moment that would have me waking up screaming for the next five nights. "This is unusual, normally gaming groups are mostly guys."
Kuan-yin giggled. "Khaos and I count as both."
"Oh?" I asked. "Oh. Yeah, umm..."
And this is why I play Dungeons and Dragons, my friends and loyal readers, for in a group of people I always have something to talk about.
"So, I continued, "none of You have played before?"
I got the paper and the character sheets. Naturally, being new players, none of them had dice, so I had to loan them some. And naturally, all of them rolled all 18s on their first tries.
"What the hell?" Dammit, I hate when players do this. And all of them looking up wide-eyed and innocent at me.
"All right," I said, knowing I was going to pay for this later, "first rule of AD&D. Let the dice fall where they may."
Finally, we get some normal rolls - good ones, but nothing that can't be attributed to newbie luck rather than divine intervention. I don't know whose character choice surprised me more, Kuan-yin's thief or Kali's paladin.
Joe sighed theatrically, "I died for your sins, I can take the cleric."
Once we relaxed, we had a good time. They picked up the rudiments of character creation fairly quickly, even Thor, who had an issue with the Thac0 vs. Armor Types table before I mercifully told Him not to worry about it.
We finally wound up with:
Thor Odinssen: Donar Foe-Hammer, dwarf fighter
Kali: Chamunda, human paladin
Morrigan: Silverhand, half-elven fighter
Pele: Ka wahine `ai honua, human magic-user
Siddartha Gautama: Sakyamuni, human monk
Kuan-yin: Kanzeon, halfling thief
Khaos: Erebos, elven fighter/magic-user/thief
Jesu: Scorched-Face Paul, human cleric
Yes, they named their characters after themselves or friends of theirs. I can't argue, I named my first character after a robot. Then again, I was nine.
And, of course, I had to explain the point of D&D to them. Over and over.
"I do not understand about the dice," Morrigan said. "Surely, with a fighter, it would be best to have high scores in Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution."
"It sure would," I agreed," but it's about making choices. Do you want a character that's tough to hurt, hard to hit, or one that hammers his foes down in battle?"
Thor perked up at "hammers". As he had managed a decent Constitution roll and an 18/00 for Strength, he had a simple dwarven fighter, and was enjoying Morrigan's indecision over allocating her rolls.
Pele chimed in, "And why are our characters so weak? You say I can only know these four spells, and per day I can only cast one?"
"That's per game day," I quickly added, having visions of deific sleepovers, "and yes, your characters are going to suck at first. But as we play and your characters gain experience and items of power, they will become heroes."
"Where's the board again?" Kay asked.
"Christ, I thought the Gods played games with the lives of men," I muttered to myself.
Joe laughed, once, then went back to filling out his character sheet. Kali smiled, "We do, and the world is our board, but you say the board for this game is in our heads? How will we keep track, then, during combat?"
"Well, we can use miniatures for that, " I said, "if You think that will be a problem. Can you all get dice and Players' Handbooks and have a mini painted and ready by next session? You do know the First Edition Players' Handbooks are out of print, right?"
They all looked at me.
"I'll call that a yes," I said. "Sorry, forgot who I was talking to."
"I don't see why there has to be combat at all," Kuan-yin said.
"Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with a cleric?" I asked. "Combat's part of the game - the band of staunch heroes standing between civilization and those who would destroy it. Besides, if you want to avoid combat, a thief is a good character to do so - and you can still help your party with doors and traps."
Kuan-yin mollified, I turned to Kay. "Are you sure you want to triple-class? It's going to take you forever to level, dividing your experience points three ways."
"Before the Universe, there was I," replied Khaos," and I will Be when all else has passed. I will triple-class, for I am All."
Lovely, another problem player, I thought. The one that wants to be everywhere and do everything. I just wonder who the rules lawyer is going to be.
Siddartha motioned me over, "As a monk, my starting Armor Class is set, correct? My Dexterity does not alter it?"
"Yes, that's exactly right," I said. "Your AC will increase as you go up in level. Right now you should probably use weapons, but it won't be too long before your open-hand attacks will do more damage. You might want to stick in the second rank for the first few levels, though - your Hit Dice are low and your AC will be horrible for a while."
"That's pretty strange for a monk," Sid said. "Where are the experience points for explaining the Dharma?"
"Well, where Joe's are for preaching to the unconverted, Pele's are for studying mystic tomes, Thor's are for practice and weapons training, and Kuan-yin's are for studying traps and locks." I answered. "Up to me. Experience points aren't to reward you for training and practicing, they're to reward you for getting out there and adventuring. The same reason it costs you gold pieces to train for the next level - and that also depends on how well you stay with your alignment, so Kali isn't the only one who needs to watch her character's behavior."
Kali giggled. That's the best way I can describe it. "So going around using detect evil and smiting anyone who registers on it is not the way to play My paladin, then?"
"Exactly." Great, she and ol' JC seemed to be picking this up well. "Besides, most people don't show up on that - the target would have to be a powerful evil priest, or monster, or demon."
"Good," she said. "I look forward to fighting demons. And," she added with a mock-glower to her companions, " any of My companions had best be wary of following the path of evil."
"Not going to happen," I answered, "because you will have to work together to succeed, and I don't allow evil characters. You're supposed to be the heroes of the story, not the villains. Anyone insisting on an evil character is not welcome at my table."
Joe and Kuan-yin shared a look, then looked at me. "There's hope for you yet," Joe said, and laughed. He sure seemed to be a happier guy than the image I grew up with.
"On that note," I finished up, "since your characters are ready, next session we'll go ahead and start Keep on the Borderlands to get y'all used to the system, then after that we'll see where it goes."
"Now for dinner," Pele said, "I'll start the barbeque."
"One last question," I asked, "Why did you need me to leave the gate unlocked?"
"Daddy come see!" yelled Little Loner. "Two giant goats are eating the orange tree!"
Author's endnote: Goddamn but it takes a long time to introduce the characters and setting.
